Leadership Book Review Blog: The Advice Trap
The Advice Trap: Be Humble, Stay Curious & Change the Way You Lead Forever
Are you the leader who has a string of people lined up outside your door waiting for help to solve their problems? Do you take work home each night because you are so busy firefighting during the day that you just can’t get your own work done? When you ask your team for creative and innovative solutions to a problem, do they just look around the room in hopes someone else will answer?
Chances are, you feel trapped in a cycle of too much work to do and not enough time to do it.
When I was an athletic trainer at a University, my job was working with students all day, every day. This was in the early 2000’s when we were just figuring out what “helicopter parenting” was. It became very obvious to me which students had helicopter parents and which ones didn’t. The ones with helicopter parents needed extra attention, more guidance, and someone to hold their hand as they navigated independence for the first time.
One day, a student came in my office and told me she needed to see a dentist to get her teeth cleaned and asked if I would make the appointment for her. That wasn’t covered under the school’s insurance policy so I told her she could get in touch with her dentist and make an appointment. She looked at me for a moment and said, “How do I do that?” The first thought that came to my head was, “You pick up the phone and dial the number.” But that seemed to obvious. I could have written down the steps for her, but instead, this is how the conversation went:
Me: “Well, what should you do first?”
Her: “Look up a dentist in the phone book?” (yes, it was THAT long ago)
Me: “Ok, and then what?”
Her: “I can call them, but what would I say?”
Me: “What do you think is a good start?”
Her: “Tell them I want to make an appointment?”
Me: “Sounds good. What else will they want to know?”
Her: “When I can come in.”
Me: “Probably. What else?”
Her: “My insurance information.”
Me: “Yep.”
And so the conversation went. The reality was, she knew the answer but needed validation and reassurance that she was doing the right thing. Even though she never had to make an appointment for herself in the past, she could think her way through the challenge. Imagine though, if I had just went with my urge to write down step-by-step for her, how to make a dentist appointment. In six months, she would have been back in the office asking me how to set up a dentist appointment again, or a doctor appointment, and maybe her hair appointment.
You see how a student who doesn’t learn how to solve problems can easily step into their first job with a manager who defaults to giving advice rather than asking questions and soon they have a learned helplessness because they never developed the confidence to think through and solve problems independently. Now, they are in line outside your door, waiting to ask a question, that they probably know the answer to, but they aren’t confident in their ability to resolve it independently.
And here you are, caught in the cycle of having to do it all, knowing you should be able to delegate, but not having the time to dedicate to teaching your team what needs to happen.
Michael Bungay Stanier writes about three advice monsters that creep into our leadership style and hinder us from getting the best out of our team.
Tell It
I stop listening to what is being said as soon as the idea/solution pops into my head.
I blurt out my idea pretty much as soon as I think of it.
I give them the solution I know is best for them.
Save It
I take on the responsibility for solving the problem, even when it’s not my problem.
I often don’t ask them what they think the answer/solution is.
I fill any awkward silences.
Control It
I take the lead from the start of the meeting or conversation, and I wrap things up at the end.
I get anxious when I am not sure where the conversation is going.
I sort out the situation anytime I feel things are going off the rails.
If any of those behaviors resonate with you, I highly recommend this book. Bungay Stanier provides 7 key questions that will help you stay curious longer, allowing your team to develop confidence in their ability to resolve problems and work independently. The bonus? You free up time to more on your strategic priorities and the time spent with your team can be focused on their development.
The intention of this book isn’t to turn you into a professional coach but to help you be more coach-like in your approach to leadership. As with all changes, that can feel daunting. If you remember last month’s blog about James Clear’s Atomic Habits book, start small. Start by asking one question. As soon as you feel the urge to give advice, ask one more question. Before you know it, you’ll be stringing questions together like an old pro!
I leave you with this excerpt from the book:
Joe Folkman of Zinger Folkman found that leaders who default to giving advice “resist feedback from others, are less likable and are ineffective at developing others.” In a similar vien, leadership researcher Liz Wiseman found that “intellectual curiosity” - asking questions and being more coach-like - was the characteristic that most distinguished leaders who best created impact (called Multiplier leaders) from those who didn’t.
There’s no better way to fine-tune your coaching skills than to be coached. Schedule an appointment today!